[IAN LLOYD'S "BROTHER LOUIE" PLAYING]
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, you're gonna cry
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou-ah
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie, Louie, you're gonna die
Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I'm 41 and I'm single.
Not really single, just alone.
But I have two children, and that's the only thing I'm comfortable with in life anymore.
I know how to take care of a couple of kids.
I don't like French toast. Well, sorry, that's what we're having.
Mommy doesn't make us French toast.
I go to my daughter's school to volunteer sometimes.
My daughter goes to a public school.
I volunteer not because I'm a good person but because you have to...
...because nobody works there.
There's just nobody there.
You go in this school, like thousands of kids, and go:
"Where is any grown-up right now?"
And I usually go for lunch and recess.
That's when they really need grown-ups, is for lunch...
...to volunteer in the cafeteria, because they only--
They have 300 kids eating...
...and they have one Jamaican lady watching all of them.
It doesn't matter that she's Jamaican, but it totally does...
...because there's nobody who can be mean...
...to 300 children just in the way that the Jamaican lady--
And it's not her fault, she's outnumbered, 300 kids to one.
Gandhi would be like, "Shut up!"
So my job as a volunteer is to stand there, near my daughter so I can be with her...
...and then kids raise their hand, you need to go and help them.
Usually, they need help opening a milk, because they can't open their milks.
They can't do it...
...because it's 2009...
...and we still put milk in this little paper box.
Put it in a bottle. I don't know why we're doing it. It's torture.
We put it in this envelope...
...that was invented by some Dutch **** in 1773.
And they can't do it, they can't open it.
It's too subtle an idea, a design, for a 7-year-old to peel back the paper...
...and then gather it forward into a spout shape.
And they-- And the glue is vicious...
...so they have to pick at the corner and try to get it...
...and they end up drinking out of this finger-filth disease spout.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So they can't do it, so they raise their hand, and I do it for them.
I'm not better at it.
I just-- I deal with the stress better than they do.
I don't cry like a little bitch because I can't open my milk.
I'm a man.
Hi, Daddy. Hey, honey.
Just find a seat near the front, okay? I'll be on in a minute. Hi, kids.
WOMAN: All right, everyone on the bus and quiet down, okay?
Hey, Susan. Hey.
Thanks for helping me today. No problem.
All right, kids, let's go. All right.
[KIDS CHATTERING]
Hey. Hey, this is pretty great. We get to go on a trip, huh?
GIRL: Violet? Violet?
So where you wanna go?
What? You wanna go somewhere.
Where do you wanna go?
What is this, a cab? We're-- The Bronx Botanical Gardens.
We're going to the Bronx Botanical Gardens.
Okay, how do you get there?
What? GIRL: Violet?
How do we get there?
How do you not know this? How?
[NEWSPAPER CRINKLING]
Look, just-- Sir, go to-- Sir, can you just go uptown, okay?
Hey, go to the Bronx.
Just take the West Side Highway and I'll find out.
You'd better.
[ENGINE STARTS]
We're moving, we're moving! This is fun.
Yep.
Hello, is this the Bronx--? Is this the Bronx Botanical Garden?
Hello, yes?
Yeah, hi, I'm sorry, I'm on a school bus full of children, I--
That's okay.
Can you give me directions to where you are from the West Side Highway?
You can't be on the West Side Highway. Well, we're on it right now.
Sir, it's illegal to take a bus on that highway.
But....
Sir, do you know that it's illegal to take a bus on this road?
I don't know, man.
You told me to take the West Side Highway, so I'm on it.
LOUIE: Are we gonna hit that?
I don't know. Why don't you go sit down somewhere?
Oh, shit.
[KIDS SCREAMING]
It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. What is that?
Oh, man, we got a flat. I gotta pull over.
LILY: Daddy, where are we?
Uh, Harlem.
Hey, so, what's the plan? I don't know.
Hey, man, what do you have to do to be a bus driver, nothing?
How can you be so goddamn irresponsible when you're transporting children?
Does that mean nothing to you? You almost got everybody hurt.
Do you have kids? What kind of a person are you?
What are you doing?
Hey, hey, hey, where are you going?
I live three blocks from here. I don't need this shit.
You're not seriously leaving.
Look, you're the one that said get on the West Side Highway.
Remember that, you redheaded-nobody piece of shit.
Uh, okay, kids, here's what's going on. We have a flat tire.
[KIDS LAUGHING]
Yeah, yeah, yes.
Yes, that's very funny. It is. It is.
Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Uh....
John and Lisa, switch seats.
Jeremy and Maria, you switch seats too.
And you two switch seats. What are you doing?
I'm putting darker kids in the window seats--
That's horrible, that's offensive.
I know, right? Okay, also, Mikey, you sit--
What is your plan here? I don't know.
Are we gonna take 20 kids and walk through Harlem, look for a subway station?
Yeah, yeah, that is what we're gonna do. Okay, new field trip, guys.
All right, listen up, eyes on me.
We are going to get off the bus...
...and we are gonna get ourselves home, okay?
GIRL: But we're in Harlem.
Yes, we are in Harlem. This is a poor area. Hey. Hey, Dimitrio.
Yeah, yeah, it's Louis C.K.
Do you realize what you're teaching them?
Uh-huh. All right, kids, new field trip.
Everybody gets to go home in their own limousine.
KIDS: Yeah!
Get in the car, get in the car. Go, go, go, get in the car.
LOUIE: A lot of people who think they're good people...
...are living a really evil life without thinking about it.
And here's the thing. The whole premise of my life is evil.
I'm white, my kids are white...
...which means they can't really screw up too badly...
...because they'll get like a million chances.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
My life is really evil, like I--
There are people who are starving in the world, and I drive an Infiniti.
That's really evil.
There are people who just starve to death. That's all they ever did.
There's people who are born and they go, "Oh, I'm hungry."
And then they just die.
And that's all they ever got to do.
And meanwhile, I'm in my car, "boom, boom, pow," like, having a great time...
...and I sleep like a baby.
It's totally my fault...
...because I could trade my Infiniti for, like, a really good car...
...Iike a nice Ford Focus with no miles on it...
...and I'd get back like $20,000.
And I could save hundreds of people from dying of starvation with that money...
...and every day, I don't do it.
Every day, I make them die with my car.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It's not fun to be single at 41. I was married for 10 years.
I'm divorced. I got two children. It's hard to start again after a marriage.
It's hard to really look at somebody and go:
"Hey, maybe something nice will happen." You just don't--
I know too much about life to have any optimism...
...because I know even if it's nice, it's going to lead to shit.
I know that if you smile at somebody and they smile back...
...you've just decided that something shitty is going to happen.
You might have a nice couple of dates...
...but then she'll stop calling you back, and that'll feel shitty.
Or you'll date for a long time, she'll have sex with your friend...
...or you will with one of hers, and that'll be shitty.
Or you'll get married and it won't work out.
You'll get divorced and split your friends and money, and that's horrible.
Or you'll meet the perfect person, who you love infinitely...
...and you even argue well, and you grow together...
...and you have children...
...and then you get old together, and then she's gonna die.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's the best-case scenario, is that you're gonna lose your best friend...
...and then just walk home from D'Agostino's with heavy bags every day...
...and wait for your turn to be nothing also.
WOMAN: I'll be just a minute, sorry.
It's okay. Thanks.
No problem. Do you know where we're going yet?
What? Do you know where we're going yet?
Uh, I don't know, I just-- I thought we'd just wing it.
I had a few ideas.
Hello.
Oh, I'm sorry. I was just talking to the door.
Well, please keep it down out here, because I'm not wearing any clothing...
...and your yelling is making me feel vulnerable.
I'm really sorry.
I'm not wearing any clothing at all. Do you understand?
Yeah, yeah, I understand what that means.
Well, if you understand, please don't be yelling in the hallway.
Because I'm in here.
This is my home.
WOMAN: I said I'm coming.
Look, you're gonna show me, so just go ahead and do it.
What?
How dare you?
Pig.
Pig, pig, pig, pig.
Pig.
Okay. Jesus.
I'm sorry I needed a minute. Sorry, it just got weird out here.
What?
Just-- Look, let's just start from scratch, okay?
What are you wearing? Where are we going?
I didn't know it was fancy. Oh, no, no, no. Uh....
This-- My-- Just my dad died.
Your dad died, and you're coming here from his funeral?
No, no, no. He-- It was a long time ago, he died.
We have, like, reunions for the funeral.
You wanna get going?
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
Thanks again, it's really-- You look really nice.
WOMAN: Oh, thanks.
Oh, let me-- All right.
Sorry, come on--
Yeah, I should probably get around the door.
There we go. Oh, God.
Sorry.
You wanna just not go? I don't--
Let's just go, please, like, get out the door.
Okay, can you please stop smiling the exact same way...
...every time I look at you?
No.
My God.
Do you have any idea where we're going?
Yeah, I thought, ahem, we'd just go down to the Village and just walk around.
Okay.
You don't wanna do that? That's fine.
We don't have to do that. I don't care. It's fine.
If there's anywhere else you wanna go, I'm totally--
I hate the Village. I hate it.
And I feel like you just made me say that.
Can I just tell you something? Yeah, sure.
I'm a very nice person.
I'm nice and I'm warm, and I know that I'm not being that right now...
...and it's because I just need to get some food in me, okay?
You know what? There's a great place to eat right--
Like, let's get out here, okay? Okay, yeah.
That's good. All right, awesome, come on.
It's really good food here. I'm sure it is.
There's nothing else really around here.
That's kind of why I was saying we should go to the Village.
Come on. Where are we going?
Mmm. Oh, thank God.
Yeah? You feel better?
Totally. Good.
Okay, we're back. Awesome.
So you have kids, right?
Yeah. Yeah, I have two girls. Aww.
What? You have girls. That's cute.
Have you seen them or--? What do you mean?
Just tell me about your kids.
Well, the little one, she's 4, and she's pretty crazy.
Aww.
Yeah, so she had kind of a rough week.
Went to the doctor today. It turns out she's got an infected vagina.
Infected vagina? Yeah.
The doctor said she's got a pretty angry infection, ahem...
...and it's on her vagina.
Let's try again.
Tell me about your kids.
Well....
They're my girls.
And, uh....
And I love them. Jesus, are you crying right now?
Is that what's happening?
I have to go to the bathroom. Oh, I do too.
Oh, there's somebody in there.
Christ, who's in there?
Let's go.
Come on. I gotta take a big dump out here.
You know what? The hell with it. I'm gonna go in the van.
Do you have an anger problem? That wasn't me. That was somebody else.
And he sounded exactly like you? Where is he?
I don't know. Yeah.
Go ahead and take your big dump. There you go.
Oh, Jesus.
Look, I....
I'm not very good at dating. Really? I think you're doing great.
All right, I get it. It sucks going out with me.
I've been married for 10 years.
I'm sorry if I'm not the Fonz all over the place.
I'm a father, all right? That's what matters to me.
I have two little girls. Aww.
And I'm raising them, okay?
That's who I am. I'm a real man.
That's what I do.
What are you? Who are you? What's your contribution?
You're cute and you got a flat stomach and you're young?
It's-- Why am I trying to impress you?
Why don't you tell me about your goddamn life and try to impress me?
Why aren't you nervous to be with me?
LOUIE: It's true, everything that makes you happy is going to end at some point...
...and nothing good ends well.
If you buy a puppy, you're bringing it to your family, saying:
"Hey, look, everyone, we're all gonna cry soon.
Look at what I brought home.
I brought home us crying in a few years.
Here we go.
Countdown to sorrow with a puppy."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
I remember I had a dog when I was a kid...
...and we had to put him to sleep because he had a tumor on his snout.
I was home when the vet called and said:
"That's a malignant tumor. He's gotta go." I was like, "Can we fix it?"
And he goes, "I'd have to just remove his whole snout...
...and then he'll just have this weird, round, furry head...
...that doesn't look like a dog.
And we'll-- You'll-- He can only eat with a straw...
...but you can't teach a dog to suck through a straw...
...so he'll just die of being stupid and having a round head.
So I think you should just kill him. That's what I recommend."
I was like, "Okay, well, should we make an appointment for a few weeks from--?"
And the guy goes, "Just bring him over. I'm not doing anything. I'll kill him now.
Like, just bring him over now. Why wait? I'm not busy."
So I bring the dog to the vet.
And I remember I'm holding the dog...
...and he sticks him full of a crazy amount of morphine...
...or the right amount if you're trying to kill a dog with it.
And my dog dies. And then I left him there because--
I mean, it was arranged. I didn't sneak out and leave my dog. We had no money.
And I asked the vet-- I made the mistake of asking the vet:
"What are you gonna do with my dog?" He said, "He just goes in a mass grave."
And I was like, "What's that like?" He goes, "It's just a big pile of dead dogs."
So....
That night, and I remember it was raining...
...and I had this nightmare that my dog woke up from the morphine...
...and found himself in a pile of dead dogs and crawled out past the dead-cat pile.
He just walked-- There was thunder and lightning.
Like one of those miraculous dogs you read about in Reader's Digest.
And he, like, made his way home, and then he scratched on the door...
...and we open the door and there he is, and we go, "He's here. Look, he's back."
And then we realize we just gotta do it again.
Gotta take him back.
Gotta do it again. Still got a tumor on his snout.
And the dog's like, "Are you shitting me right now?
Can I spend the night? Jesus."
So that's why it's hard to start dating, you know?
That's why it's....
MAN: You still got it, Louie.
You still got it.
Come on, now.
Daddy, where are we going? I'm taking you to your mom's house.
Yay! Yeah.
Daddy, my shoes don't fit anymore.
Really? We just got you those. I know.
Well, I'll get you some this week or Mom will get you some this weekend.
Okay.
I'm too tired to walk. I know, but it's good for you.
Carry me. If I carry you, you won't get stronger.
All right, come here.
Okay.
Come on.
[English - US - PSDH]